A Pattern I See Again and Again in Couples Therapy Queens
In my couples therapy practice in Queens, I often see a familiar and painful pattern. It usually begins when one partner—often the husband—says or does something (or doesn’t do something) that leaves his partner feeling hurt, angry, or lonely. Maybe he forgot an important task, didn’t take initiative with the kids, or overlooked the “mental load” she’s been carrying.
Feeling unseen, she tries to reach out: “I’m overwhelmed… I feel like I’m doing this all alone.” What she’s hoping for is empathy, acknowledgment, and partnership. But instead of listening with curiosity and care, he responds with explanations or defensiveness.
He might say:
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You’re making too big a deal out of this.”
“I work hard too—you act like I do nothing.”
Even if his words are factually accurate, they miss the mark emotionally. Instead of soothing her, his defensiveness leaves her feeling even more alone. And in that moment, the couple unknowingly steps onto the well-worn path of what Relational Life Therapy (RLT) calls the Five Losing Strategies.
The Five Losing Strategies: How Partners Drift Apart
When partners lose connection and safety, they instinctively reach for tools that don’t work. Terry Real, the founder of Relational Life Therapy, calls these the Five Losing Strategies—patterns that feel self-protective in the moment but always deepen disconnection.
- Being Right – Needing to prove “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
- Control – Trying to force the other to change.
- Unbridled Self-Expression – Venting every frustration without restraint.
- Retaliation – Getting even or punishing.
- Withdrawal – Pulling away emotionally or physically.
Most couples begin with Being Right. “You always assume the worst.” “You’re not listening.” “If you’d just do X, we’d be fine.” Soon, each feels unheard and unseen, and they slide down through the remaining four strategies—control, venting, retaliation, and eventually emotional distance or silence. The more they try to win, the more they both lose.
A Familiar Public Parallel: The NYC Mayoral Election 2025
This year’s New York City mayoral election, in which Zohran Mamdani won a decisive victory, revealed a similar emotional pattern—only on a civic scale.
After the votes were counted, the winning camp celebrated. The losing camp felt disillusioned, unseen, and misunderstood. Many New Yorkers expressed a sense of emotional distance: “No one’s listening to us.” “Our voices don’t matter.”
And when they voiced that pain publicly, what did they often receive in response? Defensiveness. Explanations. Data. “The people have spoken.” “You lost—move on.”
Sound familiar? It’s the same dynamic we see in couples. One side feels hurt and unseen. They reach out. The other side, feeling accused or blamed, responds not with empathy but with justification. Both sides become entrenched in Being Right, and the possibility of true dialogue disappears.
Emotional Parallels Between Marital and Social Disconnection
In both marriage and politics, the human nervous system reacts the same way. When we feel accused or misunderstood, we instinctively protect ourselves.
In relationships, the husband often feels shamed or inadequate: “No matter what I do, it’s never enough.” His instinct is to explain or defend—his version of self-protection.
Meanwhile, the wife feels dismissed or emotionally abandoned: “I don’t matter. He doesn’t care.”
In politics, the same polarity shows up between winning and losing camps. The side that loses feels powerless, unheard, or invisible. The side that wins feels justified and often impatient: “We earned this—stop complaining.”
Both are caught in Being Right, trying to prove the validity of their perspective rather than extending empathy toward the pain of the other. And just like in marriage, the cycle quickly spirals through the remaining losing strategies—control, venting, retaliation, and withdrawal.
Naming the Cycle: The First Step Toward Repair
When I work with couples stuck in this loop, my first intervention is simple but powerful: name the cycle.
I might say:
“Can you both see what’s happening here? You feel hurt and unseen, you try to reach him, and when he defends instead of listens, you feel even more alone. Then he feels attacked and withdraws. This is your losing-strategy cycle.”
By shining light on the process rather than the content, both partners can begin to see that the enemy isn’t each other—it’s the pattern itself.
Supporting the Latent Partner and Waking the Blatant Partner
RLT recognizes that most couples fall into a blatant/latent polarity.
- The blatant partner externalizes—often louder, more reactive, more entitled to power.
- The latent partner internalizes—quieter, more accommodating, more likely to feel unseen.
My therapeutic stance is to “throw my weight” behind the latent partner—not to take sides, but to rebalance the power dynamic. When the quieter, hurt partner finally feels validated, the louder partner often “wakes up” to their non-relational behavior.
I might say to the husband:
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt her. But when you explain instead of empathize, it sounds like you’re dismissing her pain. What she needs first is to feel that you get it.”
Once he begins to listen relationally rather than defensively, the shift is palpable. Her shoulders drop. His tone softens. Connection begins to return.
From Being Right to Being Relational
What does being relational look like in practice? It’s the opposite of defensiveness—it’s accountability and empathy in action.
Instead of:
“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way,”
try:
“I can see how my tone sounded dismissive. I get that it hurt.”
This kind of response doesn’t assign blame or self-shame—it builds trust. It communicates: Your experience matters to me, even if I didn’t intend harm.
In public discourse, the same shift is needed. Imagine if political leaders and citizens alike could say:
“I can understand why this result feels painful for you.”
“We might disagree, but your perspective still matters.”
That’s not weakness—it’s relational strength. It’s the antidote to polarization in both marriage and society.
Why Defensiveness Is So Hard to Let Go Of
Defensiveness is a protective reflex rooted in shame. When we feel accused, our nervous system goes into fight-or-flight. We defend, explain, or counterattack—not because we’re malicious, but because we fear rejection or failure.
But relational maturity means learning to stay grounded enough to listen even when we feel criticized. In RLT terms, it means moving from the Adaptive Child (reactive, self-protective) to the Wise Adult (accountable, compassionate).
The Wise Adult can tolerate discomfort in service of connection. He can say:
“You’re right—I dropped the ball. I can do better.”
or
“I hear that you feel alone. That matters to me.”
This is where relational healing begins—not with perfect behavior, but with emotional courage.
Collective Lessons From the Election
The 2025 NYC mayoral race offers an unexpected mirror for relational life. The divide between winning and losing camps reminds us that when one group celebrates while another grieves, empathy—not triumph—is what preserves connection.
Just as in couples therapy, when the “winning partner” (the one in the position of more power) slows down to listen rather than defend, healing begins.
Empathy is not agreement. It’s acknowledgment. It’s saying: “I see you. You matter.”
Moving From Losing Strategies to Winning Ones
In RLT, once we identify the Five Losing Strategies, we replace them with Winning Strategies—habits that build safety, respect, and closeness.
| Losing Strategy | Winning Strategy |
|---|---|
| Being Right | Curiosity and openness |
| Control | Invitation and collaboration |
| Unbridled Expression | Thoughtful honesty |
| Retaliation | Accountability and repair |
| Withdrawal | Vulnerable engagement |
Each of these winning strategies requires humility and self-awareness. They shift the focus from me vs. you to us against the problem.
The Takeaway: Whether in Marriage or Politics, Connection Wins
Whether we’re talking about partners in conflict or political opponents, the relational principles are the same. Defensiveness, control, retaliation, and withdrawal may feel satisfying in the moment, but they always erode trust.
Empathy, accountability, and curiosity, on the other hand, are timeless tools for connection.
The next time you find yourself explaining, defending, or proving your point—pause. Ask yourself:
“What would it look like to respond relationally right now?”
You might be surprised how much power there is in simply saying:
“I can see why that hurt.”
Ready to Break the Cycle?
If you recognize this dynamic in your own relationship—if one of you reaches out in pain and the other responds with explanation or distance—know that there’s a way forward.
Through Relational Life Therapy (RLT), you can learn to identify your losing strategies, take accountability without shame, and build a relationship rooted in mutual respect, empathy, and real intimacy.
I help couples throughout Queens, New York, and beyond, learn to communicate in ways that deepen connection instead of fueling conflict.
Schedule a free 10-minute consultation
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