The Current Online Conversation About Narcissism
There is growing attention in the online therapy community on how to deal with narcissistic behaviors in relationships and how to determine whether a person or their partner may exhibit narcissistic traits. Social media accounts, especially on platforms like Instagram, often provide descriptions of life with a narcissist, offering advice on what to expect and how to cope if one appears in your life.
A Different Perspective: Understanding Everyday Narcissism
In this article, I offer a different perspective on narcissism. While it is true that full-blown narcissists suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are rare and difficult to treat, many individuals display narcissistic traits to varying degrees. Renowned therapist Terry Real, the developer of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), emphasizes that only the most severe cases are beyond help. According to him, “RLT treats narcissists for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
Terry Real’s Approach to Treating Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships
Terry Real’s work suggests that everyday selfishness, or what he describes as “run-of-the-mill narcissism,” exists in all of us. These traits emerge when our self-interest overrides relational considerations, particularly when we feel slighted by someone close to us. This protective, defensive reaction is a natural response of the brain and nervous system to perceived emotional threats, often rooted in shame, abandonment, or rejection.
Narcissism on a Spectrum: From Traits to Disorder
Narcissism can be understood as a spectrum. At one end, we have subtle traits that most people exhibit occasionally, and at the other, full-blown NPD. While NPD cases are complex and rare, everyday narcissistic behavior is common and can be treated effectively with the right therapeutic approach.
The Role of Trauma in Defensive Narcissism
One’s ability to withstand emotional challenges without becoming defensive often correlates with past experiences. Those who have faced significant trauma—whether from abuse or neglect—may have more intense narcissistic responses as their system works harder to protect them. This makes them more susceptible to defensive behaviors.
Understanding 1st and 2nd Consciousness
Terry Real identifies two levels of consciousness that influence how we respond to others:
- 1st Consciousness: This is our initial, automatic reaction. It is instinctive, defensive, and rooted in self-interest.
- 2nd Consciousness: This is the more aware, relational response. It allows us to move beyond our need to defend and protect our egos and become more attuned to the feelings and experiences of others.
Learning to recognize and shift from 1st to 2nd consciousness is essential for relational growth.
Common Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships
Understanding common behaviors associated with narcissism can help identify defensive tendencies in ourselves or our partners. Online relationship expert Jimmy On Relationships outlines traits such as:
- Using Belittling Language: Insulting or name-calling to assert control.
- Invalidating Emotions: Dismissing or discrediting someone else’s feelings and needs.
- Blame-Shifting: Avoiding accountability by placing blame on others.
- Victim Mentality: Never admitting fault or apologizing.
- Interpreting Feedback as Attacks: Reacting defensively to any constructive feedback.
- Lack of Empathy: Focusing on self-protection over understanding others’ feelings.
- Inflated Ego: Maintaining an image of never being wrong.
- Neglecting Others: Ignoring others to avoid emotional vulnerability.
- Gaslighting: Convincing others that their experiences or feelings are false.
- Guilt-Tripping: Manipulating others using guilt to avoid vulnerability.
- Using Vulnerability Against Others: Exploiting someone’s vulnerabilities for personal gain.
- Overactive Reactions: Responding with impulsivity and defensiveness due to low emotional intelligence.
Challenges in Treating Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships
While treating narcissistic behaviors in relationships is possible, some cases present more challenges than others. Women, for instance, may exhibit narcissistic tendencies that are more difficult to address, as Terry Real points out. Nevertheless, with the guidance of a skilled therapist, even deep-seated narcissistic traits can be managed.
Cultivating Relational Skills: Moving Beyond Self-Interest
RLT teaches individuals to shift from 1st consciousness to 2nd consciousness. This involves pausing, recognizing our defensive reactions, and consciously choosing a more attuned and empathetic response. Moving beyond self-interest helps create healthier and more supportive relationships.
Guidance and Support Through Professional Therapy
If you find it difficult to shift from defensive to relational responses, seeking professional help can be transformative. A qualified therapist, such as Loren Ecker, LCSW at Queens Relationship Counseling, LCSW, PLLC, can guide you in developing the skills needed for a more satisfying and peaceful relationship. Loren Ecker has been helping couples build healthier dynamics for over 15 years.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Growth in Relationships
All relationships follow a natural rhythm of harmony, disharmony, and repair, as Terry Real often says. Embracing this cycle and learning to respond in a relational way when challenges arise is essential for lasting connection. The goal is not to eliminate narcissistic tendencies entirely but to manage them and grow into more understanding, supportive partners.
If you’re ready to embark on this journey toward relational growth, consider reaching out for support. Contact Loren Ecker at Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC, today to schedule an appointment or a free 10-minute consultation. Your path to a healthier relationship starts now.