Narcissism is a term that pops up everywhere these days—on social media, in therapy discussions, and even as part of casual conversations about relationships.
But what is narcissism in a relationship, and how does it really affect couples?
Whether it’s mild narcissism or something more severe, understanding its traits and behaviors can be a game changer when it comes to maintaining healthier connections.
According to studies, about 6.2% of the U.S. adult population exhibits traits associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
That might seem surprising, especially given how well all those TikTok videos about, “are YOU a narcissist?” seem to resonate, either for you or for people in your life. It seems like narcissism is everywhere!
However, it’s important to recognize that narcissism exists on a spectrum, ranging from occasional self-centeredness to serious, disruptive behaviors. While full-blown NPD is rare, many of us encounter—or exhibit—signs of mild narcissism in a relationship that influence our relationships in subtle but meaningful ways.
Let’s take a deeper look at the spectrum of narcissism, how it manifests, how to spot it in a relationship, and—most importantly—how to heal when narcissism has taken its toll. If you’ve been wondering, “am I a narcissist?” we’ll break down ways to tell…and why it might not actually matter that much.
Narcissism in Relationships: The Spectrum
Narcissism can range from mild traits to full-on personality disorders. Most people exist somewhere in the middle, occasionally showing signs of selfishness or defensiveness.
On the extreme end, however, is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, classified by the DSM-5 as a mental health condition involving behaviors such as a need for admiration, lack of empathy, and exaggerated self-importance.
Terry Real, a renowned therapist and developer of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), emphasizes that “run-of-the-mill narcissism” is extremely common. According to him, “RLT treats narcissists for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
Terry Real’s work suggests that everyday selfishness, or what he describes as “run-of-the-mill narcissism,” exists in all of us.
These traits emerge when our self-interest overrides relational considerations, particularly when we feel slighted by someone close to us. This protective, defensive reaction is a natural response of the brain and nervous system to perceived emotional threats, often rooted in shame, abandonment, or rejection.
Yet Real draws a strong distinction between everyday narcissism—which is manageable and common—and NPD. While NPD cases are complex and rare, everyday narcissistic behavior is common and can be treated effectively with the right therapeutic approach.
The Two Most Common Types of Narcissists
When it comes to “true narcissists,” the type who are suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder under the DSM-5, there are generally two major categories as recognized by experts:
- Grandiose Narcissists: These are the larger-than-life figures who are outgoing, self-assured, and believe they are the center of attention. They thrive on admiration, tend to have big egos, and rarely admit fault. Think flashy, controlling, and emotionally unavailable.
- Vulnerable Narcissists: Unlike their grandiose counterparts, vulnerable narcissists come across as insecure and hypersensitive. They crave reassurance, interpret even mild criticism as personal attacks, and lash out when they feel slighted. Their behavior often stems from deep-seated fears of rejection or low self-esteem.
Both types share some of the same core traits, including defensiveness, a lack of accountability, and strained empathy.
Signs of Narcissism
Just as there is no “one-size-fits-all” portrayal of narcissism in general, the same is true as narcissism is displayed in relationships.
Because, as Real believes, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and it’s more common than you think, there are several behaviors and patterns that may arise. These may occur sporadically or frequently, depending on the severity of the narcissism:
- Lack of Empathy: They struggle to tune into your emotional needs and may dismiss your feelings or experiences.
- Sense of Entitlement: Constantly believing they deserve special treatment or that the rules don’t apply to them.
- Need for Admiration: A relentless demand for praise and validation, often to an unhealthy degree.
- Fragile Self-Esteem: Beneath their bravado is often a deep fear of being unimportant or unworthy.
- Exaggerated Self-Importance: Inflated views of their own talents or achievements, often to the point of arrogance.
- Gaslighting: A manipulative tactic where they convince you that your feelings, experiences, or memories are invalid.
- Silent Treatment: Withdrawing communication as a form of punishment or control.
- Explosive Anger: Overly defensive reactions to mundane occurrences or feedback.
- Boundary Violations: Ignoring personal limits or crossing lines you’ve explicitly communicated.
- Emotional Abuse: Using guilt, manipulation, or criticism to control or belittle their partner.
Again, these behaviors may not be constant, but their recurrence can create a stressful, one-sided relational dynamic that leaves the other partner feeling unheard, unvalued, or emotionally drained.
Examples of Narcissism in a Relationship
Wondering how to spot narcissism in a relationship?
In a romantic relationship, narcissism can manifest in various ways, often leading to toxic and damaging dynamics. Some examples and signs of narcissism in a relationship may include:
- Love-bombing: In the initial stages of the relationship, they may shower their partner with excessive attention, compliments and gifts, but this is often used as a way to manipulate and control the other person.
- Lack of accountability: Narcissists often have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions or admitting when they are wrong. This can lead to gaslighting and blame-shifting in order to avoid facing consequences.
- Manipulative behavior: Whether it’s guilt-tripping, lying, or using emotional outbursts to get their way, narcissists are masters at manipulation and will often use these tactics to control their partner.
- Constant need for validation: Narcissists have an insatiable need for praise and admiration, often seeking it from multiple sources. This can result in them constantly seeking attention and validation from their partner, causing strain on the relationship.
What Causes Narcissistic Behavior?
Narcissism often stems from deep emotional wounds, usually rooted in past trauma, neglect, or abuse.
People who’ve endured these kinds of experiences may develop defensive behaviors as a survival mechanism. These behaviors once protected them, but eventually translate into harmful traits, especially within intimate relationships.
Terry Real introduces the concept of 1st and 2nd consciousness to explain these reactions:
1st Consciousness
This is the reactive, self-protective state. It’s driven by fear, defensiveness, and instinct, often leading to impulsive behaviors like blame-shifting or invalidating others.
2nd Consciousness
This is the relational response. It involves stepping out of defensiveness to authentically connect with another person’s feelings and experiences. Moving into this state requires reflection, openness, and self-awareness.
Healing from Narcissistic Relationships
If you’re recovering from a relationship affected by narcissism, growth is absolutely possible. Here are key steps for healing and progress:
Set Clear Boundaries
Think of boundaries as the guardrails that protect your physical and emotional well-being. When dealing with narcissistic behavior, setting firm limits isn’t optional—it’s essential.
This means being able to say “no” without guilt and recognizing the signals that tell you when it’s time to hit pause, particularly in moments when emotions run high. Recognize the signs of narcissism in a relationship, such as gaslighting or manipulation tactics, and understand how those actions impact you.
Boundaries aren’t just about “pushing others away.” They’re about preserving your energy and mental health.
For example, if your partner regularly dismisses your feelings and makes you second-guess your reality, enforce boundaries by calmly but firmly refusing to entertain derogatory remarks. Maybe it looks like walking out of a conversation or taking some alone time—what matters is that you communicate (and stick to) your limits.
Remember, not everyone will like the boundaries you set—especially someone with narcissistic tendencies. And that’s okay. Setting those guardrails isn’t about them; it’s about you.
Seek Support
This doesn’t just mean venting to friends (though friends can certainly help); it means seeking professional assistance from therapists who understand how to untangle the chaos narcissism can leave in its wake. A trained therapist can help you identify examples of narcissism in a relationship, highlight unhealthy patterns, and introduce tools to help you rebuild your sense of self.
Community support can also be invaluable. Whether it’s joining a local support group, participating in online forums, or talking to others who’ve been in similar relationships, sharing your experiences fosters healing and reduces feelings of isolation.
Support systems don’t stop at therapy and groups. Surround yourself with people you trust—those who believe in your perspective without constantly challenging or dismissing you. These allies are your emotional backup squad when relationship baggage tries to creep back in.
And if you think reaching out for help is a sign of weakness, guess again. It takes strength to admit you need resources to help you move forward.
Stop Blaming Yourself
It isn’t your fault. It never was. A hallmark of what narcissism in a relationship looks like is making you feel as though everything is your responsibility, from their outbursts to their mood swings. Spoiler alert—it’s not. A partner’s narcissistic behavior stems from their unresolved internal conflicts, not your shortcomings.
Here’s the kicker though—it’s easy to fall into a spiral of self-blame. You might think, “If only I tried harder, they would have acted differently.” Stop right there. You’re not responsible for someone else’s healing, and you’ll never have the ability to meet their impossible expectations.
Shifting the narrative can help. Instead of focusing on what you could have done better, concentrate on redefining your worth outside the confines of the relationship. The next time you catch yourself spiraling, pause and say (out loud if it helps), “Their behavior was based on their unresolved issues—it’s not on me.”
Break the Cycle
Breaking free from patterns of narcissism in a relationship can feel like trying to climb out of quicksand, but it’s often the healthiest choice when the relationship is irreparably toxic. Think about this—how many times have you hoped they’d change, only to find yourself back in the same emotional tailspin a week or two later?
You owe yourself better. If you’re wondering how to spot narcissism in a relationship, look for behaviors like constant gaslighting, taking no responsibility for actions, or emotional manipulation.
Once recognized, start acknowledging the toll it’s taking on you. Has your self-esteem taken a hit? Have your relationships with loved ones suffered because of their control?
Finding the courage to leave isn’t just about walking out the door—it’s about staying out once you’ve left. Lean on the support systems you’ve built and remind yourself that leaving doesn’t mean failure—it means survival.
Treating Narcissistic Traits in Yourself
While treating narcissistic behaviors is possible for just about anyone, some cases present more challenges than others.
Women, for instance, may exhibit narcissistic tendencies that are more difficult to address, as Terry Real points out. Nevertheless, with the guidance of a skilled therapist, even deep-seated narcissistic traits can be managed and you can learn how to stop being a narcissist with some of these strategies:
Develop Emotional Awareness
To shift away from narcissistic tendencies, you need to tap into your emotions. Notice how you feel in the moment—but more importantly, think about how your behaviors affect your partner or loved ones.
Instead of jumping to defensiveness during disagreements, try expressing vulnerability (yes, even when it makes you uncomfortable). For instance, saying, “I feel hurt because…” rather than lashing out can open a healthy dialogue.
Not sure where to start? Journaling and mindfulness exercises are simple ways to connect with your emotions and understand their root causes. The more you observe yourself, the easier it will be to identify patterns and tweak them for the better.
Engage in Self-Reflection
At its core, narcissism thrives on evading accountability. To break that cycle, open the door to honest self-reflection. Ask yourself questions like, “How did my actions impact my partner today?” or “Could I have handled that situation differently?”
Here’s a pro-tip—don’t just stop at reflection. Translate those insights into action.
For example, if you notice you’ve been monopolizing conversations with your partner, try making a conscious effort to ask them about their day next time. Small but steady tweaks in behavior add up over time, and your relationship will feel more balanced as a result.
Work with a Therapist With an RLT Approach
No one masters self-awareness overnight, and that’s okay. A therapist can help you uncover deeper motivations behind narcissistic tendencies, identify triggers, and replace unhealthy habits with constructive actions.
RLT encourages couples to shift their focus from “self-interest” to “relational interest,” repairing and strengthening connections through empathy, communication, and accountability.
Perhaps most importantly, it teaches individuals to shift from 1st consciousness to 2nd consciousness. This involves pausing, recognizing our defensive reactions, and consciously choosing a more attuned and empathetic response.
If you find it difficult to shift from defensive to relational responses, seeking professional help can be transformative.
A qualified therapist, such as Loren Ecker, LCSW at Queens Relationship Counseling, LCSW, PLLC, can guide you in developing the skills needed for a more satisfying and peaceful relationship. Loren Ecker has been helping couples build healthier dynamics for over 15 years.
Move Forward from Patterns of Narcissism and Thrive
All relationships have moments of tension and challenge, but learning to recognize narcissistic tendencies—whether in yourself or your partner—can make all the difference.
Relationships thrive when both people are committed to growth, empathy, and working through discord in a healthy way. The goal is not to eliminate narcissistic tendencies entirely but to manage them and grow into more understanding, supportive partners.
If you’re stuck in a cycle of defensiveness or one-sided communication, it might be time to seek professional support. A therapist can provide you with the tools you need to build a more satisfying and peaceful relationship.
Start your healing today. Contact Loren Ecker, LCSW, at Queens Relationship Counseling to schedule an appointment or explore tips for tackling narcissism in relationships. Your best relationship could be just a step away.