They say trust is like a mirror – once it’s cracked, it can be fixed, but you’ll always see the cracks.
Now, imagine infidelity as the boulder that smashes right through that mirror.
It’s the understatement of the century to say that mending a relationship after such a devastating blow is challenging. With four out of 10 marriages facing one partner’s infidelity, it’s a reality that many of us face.
If this feels like your current world, know that healing is possible, and sometimes it takes a bit of professional help to guide the process.
There’s hope for healing and for surviving infidelity in any marriage. Let’s walk through it.
What Does Infidelity Mean?
Infidelity is a loaded term. When you hear it, images of secret meetings and hushed confessions might come to mind.
But infidelity isn’t just about stolen kisses or late-night trysts. It’s a breach of trust that can take many forms, each as damaging as the last.
Let’s talk about the various shapes this betrayal can take.
Emotional infidelity, for example, might not involve physical contact at all (although the latter is what comes to mind for many couples). It can happen when one partner forms an intimate connection with someone else, sharing secrets and emotions meant for their significant other.
Then there’s digital infidelity, which has become all too common in our screen-obsessed age. This could involve sexting or online flirting and can feel just as real as any face-to-face rendezvous.
Financial infidelity, too, is a sneaky culprit, where one partner hides spending habits or secret savings, leaving the other in the dark.
Why Infidelity Happens
Now, let’s dig into why infidelity happens in the first place. It’s not always about a lack of love or attraction – sometimes, it’s rooted in deeper, more complex issues.
For example, financial stress can cause fractures in a relationship, leading one to seek solace elsewhere. Addictions, whether to substances, gambling, or even technology, can also drive a wedge between partners, pushing them apart and into the arms of someone else.
Even an imbalance in relationships, where one person feels neglected or overburdened, might stir feelings of resentment, making infidelity seem like an escape.
Understanding these root causes is the first step in addressing the problem and finding a way forward. It’s about recognizing that infidelity is often a symptom of larger issues that need to be addressed.
Can You Overcome Infidelity?
Learning to trust again is no small feat, but it’s doable. While each relationship is unique, the path to rebuilding is often marked by a rollercoaster of disparate emotions.
Here’s what you might expect, broken down into each of the separate stages you might experience. If these stages look familiar, don’t be surprised – they’re practically identical to the stages of grief:
- Shock and Denial: At first, you might feel numb, finding it hard to believe what’s happened. This stage is a protective mechanism to help shield your emotions.
- Anger and Betrayal: Once reality sinks in, anger surfaces, and you might find yourself fuming. These feelings are a normal part of processing betrayal.
- Bargaining: You may start questioning everything. What if you did things differently? This stage is about trying to make sense of the situation.
- Depression and Loneliness: Sadness can hit hard, making you feel isolated in your pain. Reach out for support during this time.
- Acceptance and Hope: The clouds start to part as acceptance sets in. You begin to see the possibility of healing and a renewed connection.
How to Overcome Infidelity in a Marriage
Infidelity is one of those gut-wrenching experiences that can make you feel like the floor has been pulled out from under you. Trust, once shattered, feels impossible to piece back together.
But, with time and effort, it is possible to heal and rebuild trust in a relationship after infidelity. While infidelity counseling will likely be the smartest option for helping you mend the broken relationship, here are some other pieces of advice on how to overcome infidelity in your marriage:
1. Take Time to Pause
When you first learn about your partner’s infidelity, it might feel like your mind is spinning out of control. The emotions are intense, and the urge to act – whether that means confronting your partner or calling the nearest divorce attorney – is almost irresistible.
However, the first step in healing is to take a moment and pause. Understandably, you need time to process what’s happened. Jumping to conclusions or making hasty decisions could lead to more harm than good.
2. Avoid Retribution
The desire for revenge can be strong. It’s natural to want the person who hurt you to feel the same pain.
However, retribution is not the path to healing. It only leads to more pain and resentment, which can make the situation worse. Instead, try to focus on understanding the reasons behind the infidelity and what can be done to address them.
3. Give Yourself Some Space
Sometimes, the best way to gain clarity is by stepping back. Take some time for yourself, away from your partner, to contemplate your feelings and what you truly want moving forward. This isn’t about punishing them; it’s about giving yourself the room needed to heal and think clearly.
4. Be Accountable
Rebuilding trust is a two-way street. If you’re the one who strayed, own up to your actions fully and sincerely. Rather than deflecting blame or offering excuses, focus on accepting accountability. Acknowledging the hurt you’ve caused is vital in demonstrating a commitment to making amends.
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5. Talk to a Friend
Confiding in a trusted friend can provide much-needed support and perspective. Choose someone who can offer understanding, not just commiserate.
Sometimes, expressing your emotions out loud can help you better comprehend them, allowing you to approach the situation with a clearer mindset.
6. Choose to Forgive
Forgiveness is a choice, not an automatic response. It doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing what happened. Instead, it involves consciously deciding to release the grip of anger and resentment. While difficult, choosing forgiveness can open the door to healing and renewed trust.
7. Prepare Yourself for Intrusive Thoughts and Setbacks
It’s normal to experience intrusive thoughts and setbacks along the healing path. They often come without warning and can knock you back momentarily.
Prepare yourself for these challenges and recognize that they are part of the recovery process. When they arise, acknowledge them, then gently redirect your focus to your goals.
8. Base Your Decisions on the Truth
Amidst the whirlwind of emotions, it can be easy to lose sight of the truth. Whether you decide to stay or part ways, make sure your actions are based on truthful assessments of the situation, your feelings, and your partner’s willingness to change.
9. Take Care of Yourself
Self-care is important regardless of the situation, but it will be your lifeline in times of emotional upheaval.
Prioritize activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it’s taking a yoga class, reading a good book, or spending time with loved ones. Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally will strengthen you for the steps ahead.
Heal and Rebuild Your Relationship With Queens Relationship Counseling
Infidelity is no doubt a challenging mountain you’ll need to climb in your relationship, but not an insurmountable one. Whether your goal is to rebuild with your partner or find peace on your own, know that healing is possible with time, effort, and a little bit of humor.
And as challenging as it may seem, it’s always okay to ask for help, be it from friends, family, or a professional. Your path to healing is uniquely yours, and every step you take is a step in the right direction.
If you’re finding it difficult to move forward on your own, professional guidance can make a meaningful difference. Queens Relationship Counseling, led by Loren Ecker, LCSW-R, offers compassionate and effective support to couples navigating the aftermath of infidelity.
Through relational life therapy and other techniques, you can crack open the underlying issues that contributed to the breach of trust in the first place while learning strategies for rebuilding your relationship on a stronger foundation.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is no small feat, but it’s not out of reach. By taking deliberate steps towards healing and ensuring both partners are committed to positive change, you can create a more resilient and understanding relationship.
Don’t face this challenge alone – reach out today and take the first step toward healing.