At times, we all likely wish we had a playbook for how to handle the biggest problems in our relationships.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could be instructed to flip to page 52 to figure out how to resolve issues of infidelity? Or skip to page 118 to find out how to deal with an imbalanced mental load?
One survey found that 54% of couples believe that communication problems are the number one predictor of unhappiness in marriage (or even divorce). A guide would certainly come in handy here, wouldn’t it?
Sadly, there is no such playbook, but there is something known as relational life therapy (RLT).
RLT is like the relationship coach you wish you’d had from the start, tackling the intricacies of personal and relational dynamics with honesty and a direct approach. It’s about understanding the unique dance that occurs between partners, spotlighting where things went haywire, and offering you tools to get back in sync.
There’s no complicated choreography required for this delicate dance, but understanding RLT techniques for effective communication and conflict resolution is a good place to start.
What is Relational Life Therapy?
Imagine sitting down with a therapist who’s not there to point fingers or dish out blame, but instead, to help you and your partner understand the patterns that lead to problems in a relationship.
RLT techniques focus strongly on accountability, transparency, and a lot of honest conversations. Originating from the mind of esteemed therapist Terry Real, relational life therapy aims to help couples and individuals foster healthy and fulfilling relationships.
But what truly differentiates RLT from other therapies is its candid approach. This isn’t about nodding politely while your therapist quietly observes. RLT therapists are active participants, gladly stepping into the ring with you to dissect issues and promote healing.
What Are the Goals of RLT?
The goals of relational life therapy are straightforward yet remarkably impactful. At its heart, RLT seeks to help couples rebuild trust and intimacy.
Take infidelity as an example. When infidelity rocks the foundation of a relationship, the involved partners often grapple with feelings of betrayal and hurt. RLT addresses these emotions head-on, providing a structured approach to begin repairing the damaged trust.
Another key objective of RLT is creating balance. In many relationships, power imbalances can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. RLT encourages both partners to recognize and adjust these imbalances while working to foster mutual respect.
At its core, RLT isn’t just about fixing the relationship, but instead, about becoming better, more honest versions of yourselves.
How Does RLT Work?
Relational life therapy centers around a few core principles:
- Radical Honesty: Central to RLT techniques is the concept of radical honesty. Therapists encourage partners to express their thoughts and feelings openly, without sugarcoating the truth.
- Relational Empowerment: RLT emphasizes the importance of empowerment within relationships. It’s about understanding that you’re not a passive participant in this partnership – you hold the reins to your own happiness.
- Breaking Negative Patterns: Often, relationships fall into cycles of negative behaviors and reactions. RLT aims to break these patterns by helping partners identify and alter them.
- Building Relationship Skills: RLT doesn’t stop at identifying problems; it provides practical solutions too. Therapists equip couples with essential relationship skills, from effective communication to conflict resolution.
If you find yourself standing among the shards of a broken relationship, relational life therapy offers a path to not only repair but also transform your relationship into something stronger and more beautiful.
12 RLT Techniques for Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution
Let’s talk about some RLT techniques that can help couples mend their relationship and learn how to communicate more effectively:
1. Practice Good Timing
First things first – timing is everything. Bringing up sensitive topics right before bed or during a stressful workday is a recipe for disaster. Choose a time when both of you are relaxed and free from distractions.
Don’t forget – the goal is to communicate, not to escalate. It’s not just what you say, but when you say it that matters.
2. Attempt Active Listening
Listening is a skill we all think we have, but often don’t fully practice (or practice well).
Active listening means showing genuine interest in what your partner is saying. Make eye contact, nod, and use verbal affirmations like “go on” or “I see”. Reflect what you’ve heard by paraphrasing, which shows your partner you’re really tuned in.
Studies show that active listening not only improves communication but also strengthens emotional bonds. It’s like giving your partner a verbal hug!
3. Avoid Interruptions (Except to Clarify)
We’ve all been there, waiting for the other person to finish just so we can jump in with our counterpoint.
This is problematic, however, as interrupting can create defensiveness and shut down meaningful dialogue.
Instead, allow your partner to express themselves fully. If you’re unsure about something they said, ask for clarification with questions like, “What I hear you saying is…”.
There is one exception to the interruption rule, however, and that’s if you need to ask clarifying questions. When done thoughtfully, this can help prevent misunderstandings and reduce tension.
4. Give Equal Time for Sharing
In a healthy relationship, both partners deserve equal airtime. Set clear ground rules to make sure each person has the chance to express themselves. If the conversation becomes heated, take breaks if necessary. You’ll give yourself time to reflect on what the other person has said and help cool your temper.
5. Don’t Storm Out in Anger
To continue on the last point, try to avoid storming out if you find yourself overwhelmed with rage. It’s tempting just to end the conversation and leave when emotions are running high, but doing so can lead to more harm than good.
Walking away in anger leaves unresolved issues hanging in the air. Instead, take a deep breath and suggest pausing the discussion. A simple “Let’s take a breather and come back to this” can be hugely helpful.
6. Avoid Withdrawing
Withdrawing when emotions run high only creates more distance. The silent treatment seldom works for anyone!
Instead, lean into the discomfort. Try to address issues head-on and stay engaged no matter what.
7. Use I Statements
Communication can easily turn accusatory during conflicts. To prevent this, focus on using “I” statements.
For instance, saying “I feel hurt when…” rather than “You always make me feel…” reduces defensiveness and fosters understanding.
This method of communication is a pillar of relational life therapy and encourages expressing feelings without placing blame. It helps keep the conversation centered on your experiences rather than attacking your partner.
8. Avoid Global Statements
Emotions flare up, and suddenly, you’re using words like “always” or “never.” These global statements can be damaging because they generalize behavior and make your partner feel unfairly judged.
Instead, focus on specific incidents and express how they made you feel. By avoiding sweeping accusations, you create a more constructive dialogue. Remember, it’s not about “being right,” but about mending the relationship.
9. Keep it in the Present
Dragging up past grievances can derail a productive conversation and lead to more conflict. Keep discussions focused on the present to move forward. Address the current issue at hand without reopening old wounds.
10. Avoid Quick Fixes
While it might be tempting to jump to quick fixes, real healing takes time. In relational life therapy, the focus is on understanding the root of the problem and addressing it gradually.
Stay solution-focused by defining problems clearly and working towards common goals. Avoid blaming each other, and instead, frame issues constructively so that you can work collaboratively on resolving them.
11. Don’t Judge Motives
It’s easy to assume the worst about your partner’s intentions during difficult times, but judging motives can exacerbate issues and make the problem worse.
Instead, approach conversations with empathy and neutrality. Give the benefit of the doubt while allowing room for growth and forgiveness.
12. Watch Your Nonverbal Communication
Nonverbal cues, such as tone of voice and facial expressions, speak volumes, often louder than words. Maintain a neutral body language and keep your tone calm and respectful during discussions.
Be Patient With the Process
Relational life therapy training emphasizes the importance of patience, encouraging couples to take it one day at a time and celebrate small victories along the way. Fixing a relationship is not an overnight process. It requires patience and commitment from both partners, so be gentle with yourself and your partner as you work through the healing process.
It’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed and uncertain about the future of your relationship. But by integrating these RLT techniques into your interactions, you can lay the groundwork for healing and rebuilding trust.
If you’re interested in learning more about these RLT techniques for communication and how the process can change the dynamics within your relationship, consider exploring relational life therapy in Queens, NY, with Loren Ecker, LCSW-R.
Our expertise in relational life therapy can help guide you and your partner through this challenging time. We’ll provide you with personalized support and strategies for overcoming any obstacles your relationship faces.
Together, you’re stronger than the sum of your parts – so work together to communicate and resolve conflicts in a way that will help you both grow in harmony.