Relationships, particularly our romantic relationships, can be a source of immense joy, connection, and comfort.
Yet every couple faces challenges in the way they communicate, and certain reactions to those challenges—like retaliation—can create unnecessary hardship.
To help you understand and overcome these obstacles, we’re here to talk about the emotionally damaging behavior of retaliation in a relationship, considered the “fourth losing strategy” in Terry Real’s Five Losing Strategies. Plus, you’ll learn effective strategies to replace retaliation with healthier approaches to conflict.
What Are the Losing Strategies?
Before we explore the concept of retaliation (and how you can avoid it in your relationship), let’s explain what we’re referring to in the context of the losing strategies.
According to Terry Real, these five losing strategies are ways that people try to get what they want in relationships. Unfortunately, as you can likely gather from the nomenclature alone, these strategies tend to be not very successful. They are as follows:
As you’ve likely gathered, we’ll be focusing on strategy number four (retaliation) and its meaning in this post. If you’re interested in learning more about the other losing strategies besides retaliation in a relationship, be sure to check out our other posts in this series.
What is Retaliation in a Relationship?
Retaliation, in the simplest terms, is the urge to strike back when you feel wronged. It’s that knee-jerk reaction to “even the score” with your partner after being hurt.
This response often takes the form of a hurtful comment, a passive-aggressive action, or even a cold shoulder.
Retaliation might seem like an act of self-defense in the heat of the moment, but it rarely gets the results you’re hoping for. Instead of fixing the problem, it deepens existing wounds.
What is an Example of Retaliation in a Relationship?
Here’s an example to bring the concept of retaliation to life.
Let’s say Partner A, frustrated after a stressful day, unintentionally snaps at Partner B. Rather than calmly addressing how hurtful the comment was, Partner B retaliates by saying something equally mean. Partner A, now feeling attacked, responds with another hurtful remark.
This back-and-forth exchange doesn’t resolve the original issue—instead, it escalates into a full-blown argument. Neither partner feels heard, understood, or respected. Instead, they both end up stewing in frustration and hurt.
This retaliation, far from resolving the initial conflict, only serves to escalate tensions, leading to further retaliation and perpetuating a vicious cycle of hurt and resentment.
What Are the Roots of Retaliation?
At the heart of retaliation lies a complex web of emotions—anger, hurt, and a sense of injustice. This behavior often stems from deep-seated feelings of vulnerability or betrayal, where an individual feels compelled to respond in kind to balance the scales.
By retaliating, a person may seek to regain a sense of power or control, believing that striking back will somehow right the perceived wrongs.
However, this act of “getting even” is typically driven by unprocessed emotions and unresolved conflicts, which ultimately perpetuate a cycle of negativity rather than fostering resolution or understanding.
And unfortunately, the justice sought through retaliation is often illusory. Instead of restoring balance, retaliation only serves to deepen the wounds and widen the divide between partners. In the end, both parties suffer, trapped in a cycle of pain and bitterness.
The Negative Effects of Emotional Retaliation in a Relationship
Retaliation in relationships is a slippery slope. While it can feel satisfying in the moment, it introduces patterns of negativity that are hard to shake off.
Here’s what unchecked retaliation can lead to over time:
- Loneliness: Retaliation pushes partners apart emotionally. When you spend more time hurting each other than connecting, loneliness can creep in, even in a close partnership.
- Lack of Trust: Every retaliatory action chips away at the trust between you and your partner. If you can’t believe in each other’s goodwill, it becomes difficult—if not impossible—to build a secure relationship.
- Inequality: Retaliation often creates a power imbalance. The constant back-and-forth leaves one partner feeling punished or undervalued, disrupting the balance of the relationship.
- Perpetuating the Cycle of Retaliation: When someone retaliates, the other partner often feels compelled to retaliate in response. This creates a vicious cycle that keeps conflicts unresolved while adding to the emotional toll on both partners.
Breaking this cycle isn’t easy, but it’s necessary, particularly if you want to nurture a healthy, supportive relationship.
Strategies to Help You Avoid Retaliation in a Relationship
If you’re tired of the highs and lows caused by retaliation, know that there are steps you can take to change the dynamic. It all starts with committing to respond more thoughtfully when conflict arises.
1. Pause and Reflect
The path to breaking free from the cycle of retaliation begins with awareness and intention. You and your partner both need to recognize the destructive nature of retaliation and commit to choosing a different response – one rooted in empathy, understanding, and a genuine desire to resolve conflicts.
When you feel the impulse to retaliate, pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I hope to achieve by lashing out?”
Likely, the answer will not align with your long-term relationship goals. Giving yourself a moment to reflect can help you regain control over your actions.
2. Communicate Directly
Then, instead of retaliating, express your feelings constructively. For example, say, “It hurt me when you said that,” instead of responding with your own cutting remark. Direct communication builds understanding instead of conflict, something that will deepen (rather than divide) your relationship over time.
3. Focus on Empathy
Shift your perspective and try to understand where your partner is coming from. Was their hurtful action or remark meant to be intentional, or could it have been influenced by stress, anxiety, or miscommunication?
Although focusing on empathy can be challenging, requiring vulnerability, humility, and a willingness to prioritize connection over being right, it can help defuse tension and create space for reconciliation.
4. Set Boundaries
If your partner often says hurtful things during arguments, calmly and firmly set boundaries. Say something like, “I need to step away from the conversation if it becomes offensive.” Standing up for yourself in a healthy way can prevent future retaliation.
5. Seek Support
Sometimes, the behavior patterns in a relationship need an outside perspective to shift effectively. Seeking couples counseling can provide tools and insights to handle conflict in a healthier way, with a qualified therapist guiding you both toward stronger communication and understanding.
6. Focus on the Big Picture
When conflict arises, remind yourself of your shared goals and values as a couple. What do you both want for your relationship? By focusing on what truly matters, you can prioritize solutions over retaliation.
Transform your Relationship with the Right Queens Couples Therapist
If the specter of retaliation looms large in your relationship, know that change is possible. Choosing connection over retaliation isn’t easy—especially when you’re hurt and frustrated. But it’s a choice worth making.
By taking small steps toward healthier communication, you and your partner can create a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.
If retaliation has become a recurring issue, you’re not alone. Remember, retaliation is not a solution, but a perpetuation of pain. It’s something you can fix, but it isn’t always easy.
That’s where we step in. At Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC, we specialize in helping couples break free from negative patterns and reconnect on a deeper level. Our personalized couples counseling sessions offer support, guidance, and tools to help you resolve conflicts with empathy and understanding.
Stop letting retaliation define your relationship. Contact us today to build a foundation of trust, respect, and connection.