“We’re Just Not Compatible!” – The Words Every Relationship Therapist Hears
As a Marriage Counselor in Queens, New York, I’ve heard couples tell me this so often. What I say back is, “Nobody is!”
I truly believe there is no such thing as compatibility. Maybe you’ll tell me that some couples are more compatible than others. Okay, I can accept that. But even those couples, the ones that are more compatible than others, even those couples are ultimately incompatible.
Humans are complex creatures, and no two are alike. As such, people’s differences become challenging to deal with, especially in a marriage where you are expected to spend so much time together and interact in the most intimate of ways.
When two people have to live together and are forced to confront their differences, and on top of that, they are expected to contend with and manage all of the challenges that life tends to throw at them, that is when the rough edges in a personality really become apparent. And that is when people’s incompatibility really becomes apparent.
How Incompatibility Can Surface in Couples Therapy
Just the other day, I had a couple in my office. The husband complained that his wife didn’t respect him. “She thinks I don’t do anything! She doesn’t appreciate all the things I do for her.” The wife answered that he is always on his phone from the time he gets home from work and that he sleeps too much and always leaves her to take care of the kids by herself.
He responded that what she said was just not true! According to him, he spends a great deal of time with the kids playing with them. “So then why do the kids tell me that Daddy’s always on his phone?” she replies.
This back and forth went on and on until the wife turned to me and said those now famous lines, “We’re just not compatible!”
To which I answered that, yes, marriage is hard, but that compatibility is not a requirement for a successful marriage. Can it make things easier? Sure, it can, but even the most compatible couples that I have worked with all have degrees of incompatibility, and when things get tough, compatibility is not what ultimately gets a couple through.
What marriage requires more than compatibility is willingness. Willingness to be open to someone else’s experience, to someone else’s feelings. Willingness to look past what’s fair and what’s not fair and instead to contribute even when you don’t feel like it, even when you don’t think the other person deserves it.
The Truth about Relationship Compatability from a Couples & Marriage Counselor in Queens NY
It’s not supposed to be easy.
I remember when I was engaged to my wife, and a very wise person told me that sometimes she is going to need you more than you need her, and sometimes it will be the opposite. And it’s at those times that you really have to pick up the slack and give more than your spouse.
At the time, I didn’t really understand the depth of the sage advice I was receiving. However, now that I’ve been married for close to 23 years and after having worked with countless couples, I can truly see the great wisdom contained in that wise person’s words.
Sometimes you have to do things that you don’t want to do. That’s what marriage is all about. It’s about making room for someone else even when you don’t agree, even when you see things differently, and even when you don’t feel like it! Marriage forces you to stretch beyond your comfort zone and ultimately makes you a better, broader, bigger person.
When you are able to do this, trust and love and respect and security and safety and appreciation and understanding and compassion all grow, and as all of those things grow, amazingly, people tend to feel more compatible!
So start with giving, reach out to find out how to do just that, and don’t worry so much about whether you’re compatible because, really, no two people are compatible. Compatibility is really the result of hard work and giving.
Find Support for your Relationship from a Couples and Marriage Counselor in Queens, NY!
Do you feel hopeless, angry, abandoned, and confused in a loveless relationship? Have you found yourself either arguing or shutting down and disengaging? There is no need for you to suffer alone. Seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor in Queens, New York, can help. Marriage counseling is not only for couples whose relationship is on the rocks and about to end. It can also strengthen the love and connection between more securely attached couples.
1. Read more about us!
2. Set up a consultation to determine if I am the right couple or marriage counselor for you
3. Heal your relationship, reconnect with your partner, and rediscover joy and love.
Other Services Offered at Queens Relationship Counseling
Ready to deepen your relationship? Then consider Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy with Loren Aryeh Leib Ecker, LCSWR. By using tried and tested methods, he can offer you the support and guidance you need to achieve the level of satisfaction and fulfillment you want. The tools and techniques he provides can help strengthen your bond and help you overcome any challenges you may face. You can be confident you’re taking the proper steps towards creating a more fulfilling relationship by seeking help.