Why Do Couples Fight?
Why is it that couples fight? And why is it so hard for some couples to resolve issues, see eye to eye, and live in peace and harmony with one another?
One reason among many may be that a dynamic exists within the couple which Relational Life Therapy (RLT) refers to as The Blatant and Latent Dynamic.
The Blatant and The Latent
The Blatant and Latent Dynamic occurs when one of the partners is more egregiously non-relational than the other partner.
When one partner does more than the other to make it harder for the couple to feel intimate with one another, then most likely, a Blatant/Latent Dynamic is at play. The Latent partner may also have anti-relational tendencies and behaviors, but most often, they pale in comparison to the Blatant.
Most of the time the Latent partner is the less happy partner in the relationship and is often the one who initiates therapy.
Does a Blatant/Latent Dynamic exist in your relationship?
Well, let’s take a look at what this actually looks like.
Blatant behavior is typically grandiose and often either boundaryless or walled-off. Yelling, screaming, name-calling, shaming, blaming, humiliating, instigating, haranguing, making assumptions and accusations are often blatant behaviors. However, in some cases, they may not always be so clearly identified and immediately obvious.
Grandiose partners can present as being charming, and it may not be initially apparent that the behavior is controlling or manipulative. As such, it is not always so easy to identify blatant behaviors in women, as women tend to use the losing strategy of control more often than men do in an attempt to get what they want from their partner. The losing strategy of control can show up in an overt or covert way in the relationship.
Men are typically more controlling in an overt way by making threats and using physical force to control their partners. Women, however, are typically more covert in their expressions of control, using manipulation and withholding in an effort to exert their will and get what they want from their partners.
The latent partner is often an enabler and may make excuses for the blatant partner or try to cover up their behavior to others. Oftentimes, one person is more blatantly responsible for the relationship problems while in other cases, the responsibility may fall equally on both shoulders. It is not uncommon that one person is 60, 70, or 80% responsible for the relationship problems. In more severe cases, one partner may be entirely responsible.
Being the Blatant in a relationship is akin to being the more grandiose partner. Being latent is likened to coming more from a place of shame. Somewhere in the middle of grandiosity and shame resides relational health. A person who has healthy self-esteem is someone who is relationally healthy. If grandiosity and shame are the extremes of self-esteem, then relational health is smack dab in the middle.
An interesting point is that the energies of someone who is coming from a grandiose point of view and he or she who is coming from a more shameful place are the same. That energy is contempt, however, the direction the contempt is flowing is different whether you’re coming from grandiosity or shame.
If you are in grandiosity, then the contempt goes outward, and you have contempt for others. If you are in shame, then the contempt goes inward, and you have contempt for yourself. Neither is relational.
Being relational and in healthy self-esteem means that you recognize that you are neither any better nor any worse than anyone else. You have no greater or lesser claim to your “seat at the table” than anyone else on the planet does merely by dint of the fact that you are a human being.
What is Relational Health and What Does it Mean to be Relational?
Being relational means being able to maintain intimacy with your partner, and intimacy consists of three components: Empathy, Vulnerability, and Accountability.
There are many skills that couples can learn and acquire that will serve them in achieving these three component parts of intimacy. But what specifically does it mean to be empathetic, vulnerable, and accountable?
- Empathy involves truly understanding and sharing the feelings of your partner. It requires active listening and the willingness to put yourself in their shoes, which helps in validating their experiences and emotions.
- Vulnerability means being open and honest about your feelings, fears, and desires. It involves taking emotional risks and being authentic with your partner, which fosters deeper connections.
- Accountability is about taking responsibility for your actions and their impact on your partner and the relationship. It involves acknowledging mistakes, making amends, and committing to personal growth.
There are many tools that couples need to have in their arsenal to preserve Relational Health. Developing these core skills of empathy, vulnerability, and accountability is crucial for overcoming the Blatant/Latent Dynamic and creating a balanced, harmonious relationship.
Recognizing and addressing the Blatant/Latent Dynamic can be transformative for couples struggling with relational issues. By fostering relational health through empathy, vulnerability, and accountability, couples can move towards a more intimate and fulfilling partnership.
If you suspect that this dynamic might be present in your relationship, contact Loren Ecker LCSW at Queens Relationship Counseling. Take the first step towards the healing and growth of your relationship. Click here to schedule a free 10 minute Zoom or phone call to find out how Loren Ecker can help you and your relationship.