So you got caught cheating. Perhaps, you had an affair and it was discovered. Maybe your spouse found incriminating evidence of your bad behavior. Or you find yourself in a situation where you now need to repair and rebuild your relationship. If this is the case, then this article will walk you through some of the behaviors of unfaithful spouses that tend to lead to successful efforts to rebuild the relationship.
Options for Healing From Infidelity
Linda J. MacDonald in her concise and extremely helpful book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful” identifies five options for unfaithful spouses. Four of them do not lead to successful repair. One of them does.
She argues that successful rebuilders “make a heartfelt, well-advised effort” to save their marriages. What does that look like exactly?
Get Outside Expert Help From an Infidelity Therapist
Her advice? Get outside, expert help from a therapist. In other words, enlist the services of a trained, experienced therapist in relationship repair.
She says that “obtaining expert, outside help dramatically increases your chances of saving and even improving your marriage. This investment brings long-term rewards despite the initial difficulty of facing and dealing with the harm you’ve caused your spouse.”
Taking Responsibility for Your Actions
First, an individual or a couple agrees to enter Infidelity Therapy to heal the relationship. Second, the essential quality the involved partner needs to develop in order to successfully regain their offended spouse’s trust is taking responsibility and accountability for their actions and for the emotional repercussions they inflicted on their partner. In short, the betrayer “gets it.”
MacDonald explains “Getting it means that straying spouses understand the wrongness of their behaviors and the depth of the pain they have caused their (partner).”
The Courage to Identify Hurtful Behaviors
Successful rebuilders muster the courage to identify their hurtful behaviors for what they are. This includes severe violations of their marriages and of their partner’s trust. They don’t make excuses and minimize their misbehavior by referring to it in less offensive terms. Rather they call it what it is: unfaithfulness, adultery, infidelity, sex addiction, breaking their vows, betrayal, lying, deceitfulness, cheating, etc…
Empathy and Understanding are a Must
The most effective tool to help offending partners “get it” is empathy and understanding. However, involved spouses often struggle to find empathy and understanding for their hurt partners. Why might this be? If you are so clearly the cause of another person’s pain, shouldn’t it be simple to have empathy and understanding for what they are going through?
Three Reasons Why This Stage of Infidelity Counseling is Hard
The answer is that it is not always so easy. MacDonald identifies three reasons for this.
The Act Is Associated with Positive Feelings
The first reason is because the very acts that so hurt their spouses, felt so deeply good! Their lovers have stroked their egos, leaving them to feel highly desirable and appealing.
There is an Idealized Image of the Lover
The second reason is due to an unfair contrast that is drawn between the lover and the hurt partner. Whereas an idealized image of the lover is often developed, bolstered by the increased positive attention paid to the involved partner, as well as the excitement derived by the illicit affair, the hurt spouse shares no such advantage.
The hurt spouse is often at a huge disadvantage as the rigors of real life lay within her purview as opposed to the affair partner who’s seen in artificial situations, usually with their best foot forward, dressed to the T’s, free from crying babies and dirty laundry.
To add, the hurt spouse is often wounded deeply by the discovery of the affair, crushing their self-esteem, and leaving them feeling shell-shocked, shamed, and rejected. Having been traumatized, hurt partners often behave in uncharacteristic and unattractive ways making them rather unpleasant to contend with.
The Tendency to be Emotionally Self-Consumed
And lastly, the offending spouse has a tendency to be emotionally self-consumed. Those who step out of their marriages usually only think about themselves, and when they get caught…surprise, they continue to think mainly about themselves.
Ultimately Infidelity is the Result of Selfish Choices
Those who successfully rebuild their relationship can recognize that their spouse’s lackluster appeal as well as their chaotic and unpleasant behavior is the result of selfish choices he or she has made. These folks can humbly admit their hurtful decision to pursue another outside of the marriage and accept responsibility and accountability for the trauma and wounds they have inflicted on their wife or husband. This makes them less defensive and more compassionate towards their hurt spouse.
If you have been affected by infidelity and you or your partner is in need of help and healing in an effort to repair your relationship, a qualified and experienced therapist can be invaluable to you.
Loren Ecker LCSWR at Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC in Queens NY can help you and your spouse work through the fallout resulting from infidelity. Call Queens Relationship Counseling today to schedule an appointment to begin relationship repair.
Begin Recovery with Infidelity Counseling in Queens
Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC will support you and guide you through the “recovery from infidelity” process. Recovery from an affair can be very difficult, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I have helped countless couples through the experience of healing from an affair and can also help you.
To begin your healing journey, follow these simple steps:
- Contact Loren Ecker, LCSWR at Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC
- Make an appointment and meet with me in the conveniently located Queens office or schedule a meeting over Zoom.
- Start your “recovery from infidelity” journey so that you can eventually turn the page on this painful experience and enjoy a new and more hopeful outlook on life and on your relationship.
OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES AT QUEENS RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING LCSW, PLLC
At Queens Relationship Counseling, I offer a range of services to help couples and individuals overcome various challenges and improve their relationships. While my expertise includes recovery from affairs and infidelity, I also provide Couples and Marriage Counseling as well as Treatment for Overcoming Pornography and Masturbation.