What is Secure Attachment?
I’ve been watching a show on The History Channel called “Alone.” Ten people are chosen to survive alone in the woods, alienated from civilization and from any and all other human contact. The last person who doesn’t “tap out” but remains in the woods wins $500,000. They are allowed to choose ten items to take with them that will aid in their survival. Most choose sleeping bags, knives, saws, axes, tarps, etc. To contend with the feelings of isolation they will inevitably endure, they can bring one picture. Most choose to bring a snapshot of their child or spouse.
From watching two seasons of “Alone,” I have gleaned that the winner is not necessarily he or she who is most capable of constructing a shelter and obtaining nourishment, but rather, the one who can endure long bouts of loneliness and isolation. In fact, one person on the show, the Season 2 winner, David, noted how he realized that his hierarchy of needs went air, water, food, and loved ones. He found that when he had enough food and water to sustain himself for a period of time, his mind inevitably turned to his kids, and that’s when things got really hard for him because he missed them so much.
What impact does Secure Attachment have on Couples Counseling in NY?
This corroborates with what Dr. Sue Johnson, the leading developer of EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, a therapeutic modality used to treat couples and individuals based on Attachment Theory, has been teaching over the last 50 years. Specifically, “From cradle to grave, human beings are hardwired to seek not just social contact, but also physical and emotional proximity to special others who are deemed irreplaceable. The longing for a “felt sense” of connection to key others is primary in terms of the hierarchy of human goals and needs” (Johnson, 2019).
As a marriage and couples therapist, I can attest that love and connection to one another are essential human needs, without which many of us feel unhinged and highly dysregulated. Just as air, water, and food serve to nourish the body, the experience of being securely attached to another nourishes the soul and provides us with a stable base from which to explore the world unencumbered by existential fears of abandonment and annihilation.
Ironically, even couples living together can experience the same sense of isolation from one another as the participants living in the woods on “Alone.” When defensiveness and protective reaction replaces responsiveness and attunement, couples can feel as if they are totally alone and insecure in their attachment to each other. It is this feeling of alienation from one another that typically precipitates a visit to my office for counseling.
How can Couples Counseling in Queens, NY help with Secure Attachment Issues?
In other words, instead of feeling criticized and judged by the other’s expression of feelings, I help the couple to see their partner’s “complaints” as an expression of longing for one another. When they can validate the other’s experience and communicate understanding instead of the usual defensive reactivity, their partner’s nervous system automatically relaxes, and he or she once again feels securely attached and loved.
Operating now, once again from a secure base of attachment, they can feel free to venture out independently and take on the inevitable challenges that life brings.
Secure attachment… perhaps the most important of all survival tools!
Contact Couples Counseling in Queens, NY
If you feel hopeless, angry, abandoned, and confused in a relationship that feels loveless, have ever argued or resigned to shutting down and disengaging, you don’t have to suffer any longer. Couples Counseling in Queens, New York, can Help! There are many reasons for couples to seek marriage and couples counseling, not only when their relationship is on the rocks and about to end. It can also enhance the love and connection between more securely attached couples.
1. Read more about us!
2. Set up an initial consultation to determine if Marriage and Couples Counseling is right for you.
3. Start the process of healing your relationship, reconnecting with your partner, feeling happier, more satisfied, and optimistic, and ultimately reliving the joy and love you once shared.
Other Services Offered at Queens Relationship Counseling
Ready to deepen your relationship? Then consider Marriage and Couples Therapy with Loren Aryeh Leib Ecker, LCSWR. His proven methods can be just the extra push your relationship needs to get you where you want it to be.