Relationships are Hard!
There are no ifs, and, nor buts about it! Relationships are challenging and they can be confoundingly hard!
When they’re good, they can be really good, but when they’re bad, they can be so, so BAD!
As a couples counselor who works with couples in crisis, I have first-hand experience dealing with the complicated aspects of relationships and want to help you overcome these struggles.
What Makes Relationships So Hard?
But why? What makes them so hard? Why can’t we all just get along? What is it that stands in the way of getting what we want and what we need from our relationships?
Couples therapy guru, author, and developer of RLT, Relational Life Therapy, Terry Real has identified The Five Losing Strategies that prevent couples from getting what they want from their partners. As we uncover them, we will learn what makes it so hard to get what we want in our relationships.
Why Do We Need to Understand the Losing Strategies?
Why should we care about what the losing strategies are? Shouldn’t we be more concerned about what the winning strategies are? Well, yes, the winning strategies are important and we will talk about them in our next article, but before we can start doing things right, we have to stop doing things wrong!
In our relationships, we need to feel supported, nourished, and safe. Feeling alone, life is so much harder. Knowing that we have someone to lean on, to turn to, to count on, we feel secure, confident, and better able to face life’s challenges. That’s why it’s important to identify the losing strategies so that we can stop using them and start getting more of what we want from our relationships.
The Five Losing Strategies in Relationships:
- Needing to be right
- Controlling your partner
- Unbridled self-expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawal
Needing to be Right
The first losing strategy identified by Terry Real is what he calls Needing to be Right. Needing to be Right is when couples make an effort to create a reality in which there are no differences. In other words, Needing to be Right is the attempt of Partner A to get Partner B to agree that A’s feelings (opinion, experience, memory, etc.) are correct, but B’s isn’t. I think everyone can probably relate to doing this at one time or another.
What does this look like in real life?
Just imagine a couple driving in a car. The woman wants the man to slow down because she feels that he is driving too aggressively. But he feels that he is a very competent driver and that she is just being overly worried. It’s very possible that they could fight about whose feelings and experience is more valid, however, the chances of resolving this disagreement are slim. Rather, what is more, likely is that they will end up feeling hurt, invalidated, and misunderstood.
Terry Real’s relational answer to the question “Who is right and who is wrong?” is “Who cares!” When it comes to relationships, there’s no place for objectivity, and therefore Needing to be Right is a losing strategy for getting what you want in a relationship.
Controlling Your Partner in Your Relationships
The second losing strategy, Controlling your Partner, happens anytime you try to get someone to do, feel, say, admit to, think, want, etc. something they don’t want to do, feel, say, admit to, think or want, etc. Trying to get someone to do something they don’t want doesn’t work. Why? Because people don’t like to be controlled, simple!
Resentment Can be the Result
Terry Real warns, if you are controlling and convince someone to do what you want them to do, especially if they don’t really want to do it, they will end up resenting you for it and you will most likely pay the price for it in the long run somehow. Controlling Your Partner is a losing strategy for getting what you want in a relationship.
Unbridled Self-Expression
Third on the list of losing strategies is Unbridled Self-Expression. Terry Real calls this the “Barf-Bag” approach to intimacy. If you or your partner are engaging in oversharing, boundaryless behavior you are using Unbridled Self-Expression to get what you want.
Being upset and disappointed that your partner was inconsiderate and left the milk out overnight to spoil so that you no longer have it to add to your morning coffee is understandable.
Disappointment vs. Oversharing
It’s reasonable to share your disappointment at not having milk for your coffee and even to share that you took it to mean that your partner was not considerate enough of your feelings. However, when you find yourself raising your voice, increasing your tempo, and throwing in the kitchen sink along with everything else that makes your partner intolerable to live with, then you are using the losing strategy of Unbridled Self-Expression and it doesn’t work.
Retaliation in Relationships
Next comes Retaliation. Retaliation is tit-for-tat behavior. “I’m going to make you hurt the same way you made me hurt…I’m going to even make you hurt worse!” Terry Real describes Retaliation as offending from the victim’s position and people feel justified and shameless in doing this because they were hurt first.
The problem with this approach is that you don’t make a person more accountable and responsible by hurting them.
Retaliation Can be Covert or Overt.
The overt kind is easy enough to spot. You hurt my feelings by criticizing my parenting so I justified myself and struck back by pointing out your parenting flaws.
Covert retaliation is a bit more insidious. You left your dirty socks on the floor so I picked them up and put them on your pillow. Ha! That’ll teach you! The problem is that rarely does anyone get the message after being retaliated against. It usually only leads to more aggression. It’s a losing strategy and doesn’t work!
Withdrawal
Lastly, there’s Withdrawal. You are too overwhelmed by feelings and so when all else fails, tap out. The only problem is that by withdrawing, you leave yourself no chance of getting what you want.
Oftentimes, the withdrawer expects that his partner will somehow “get the message” as a result of his withdrawal and she will then somehow feel contrite and/or more apt to re-engage. However, this is rarely the outcome of withdrawal, rather, withdrawal often leads to greater insult and can even be experienced by your partner as a form of retaliation.
Stonewalling as a Predictor of Divorce in Relationships
Worst-case scenario, withdrawal leads to flat-out stonewalling, which marriage and relationship expert John Gottman, PhD. says is the number one predictor of divorce.
Bottom line…Withdrawal is a losing strategy. Don’t do it, it doesn’t work.
The “Crunch”
An important addendum to mention is that The Five Losing Strategies are almost always preceded by what Terry Real calls “The Crunch.” The Crunch is that experience of WHOOSH, reactive emotion one feels whenever one is negatively triggered by something their partner has said or done, or by something they imagine has been said or done, or by a myriad of other possible imagined or unimagined thoughts, presumptions, or ideas brought on by something their partner has said or done (or not said or done). That was a mouthful!
Once we feel The Crunch, we impulsively draw upon any one of, or any combination of The Five Losing Strategies in an attempt to both regulate our feelings once again and get what we want.
So be on the lookout for those things that cause you to feel The Crunch because it can very quickly cause you to use one of The Five Losing Strategies, which as we have clearly explained…DON’T WORK!
Check back in soon for a breakdown of The Five Winning Strategies for getting what you want in a relationship.
Begin Marriage or Couples Counseling Today in Queens, NY.
You don’t have to suffer any longer with feelings of hopelessness, anger, abandonment, and confusion in a relationship that feels loveless, in which you are constantly bickering, or in which you have decided that shutting down and disengaging is the best solution. Marriage and Couples Counseling can help! Marriage and Couples Counseling isn’t only for couples whose relationship is on the rocks and teetering on the verge of ending. Couples Therapy can also help more securely attached couples find even greater love and connection within their relationship.
1. Read more about us!
2. Set up an initial consultation to determine if Marriage and Couples Counseling is right for you.
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Other Services Offered at Queens Relationship Counseling
Ready to deepen your relationship? Then consider Marriage and Couples Therapy with Loren Aryeh Leib Ecker, LCSWR. His proven methods can be just the extra push your relationship needs to get you where you want it to be. Dealing with infidelity in your relationship or looking for treatment with porn? Help is here for that too!