“Oftentimes, a person goes looking elsewhere, not because they want to leave the person they are with, but rather, because they want to leave the person they themselves have become”
–Esther Perel, speaker, and couples therapist
Most People Have Been Affected by Infidelity in Some Way
If you’re reading this, it is likely that you have somehow been affected by infidelity. You may be the hurt partner, the involved partner, or even the affair partner. Infidelity often affects more than just the triumvirate of partners. It can affect families, friends, co-workers, or communities. Virtually everyone has been affected by infidelity in some way. There are few exceptions. At Queens Relationship Counseling, Loren Ecker specializes in working with people who have been impacted by infidelity.
Infidelity can be many things.
It can be painful, exciting, fantastical, secretive, deceptive, blissful, and destructive. It can mean the end of one relationship, and it can mean the start of another. Often, it can serve as the catalyst for rebuilding and reinventing a relationship, ultimately making it stronger. Nonetheless, Infidelity has brought you here searching for help, support, guidance, and healing.
MONOGAMY IS HARD!
“Monogamy is unnatural and open marriage doesn’t work, so pick your poison!”
-Terry Real, author, and couples therapist
“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife.”
-G-d, The Torah
Monogamy is hard. It is not the natural inclination for man to be monogamous. Man wants what his eyes see and what his heart desires. If monogamy were man’s default mode, G-d would not have had to instruct us to be monogamous.
But people, following their hearts, do have affairs, oftentimes even going against what even their own minds and best sense tell them.
Reasons Why People Have Affairs or Fall Victim to Infidelity
Different people have affairs for different reasons. Sometimes, people in very happy relationships betray their partners, and yet others do it because their current relationship has sapped them of life, and now, they have met someone new who once again makes them feel alive!
If you are the involved partner, you likely face a mess of conflicting feelings. On one hand, you may feel terrible and guilty about hurting and betraying your spouse or partner. You fear that you may have ruined everything and that you will lose your loved one. But on the other hand, you may be feeling sad and conflicted about giving up your affair.
And if you decide to give up your affair and work on your relationship, how do you restore the trust and love you have destroyed by your hurtful and damaging behavior?
As the hurt partner, you are also dealing with many emotions. Pain, rage, fear, sorrow, uncertainty. How do you move ahead from here now that the one person in the world whom you were to trust has gone and broken his or her promises and commitments to you? Your world has been turned upside down! Where do you go from here?
In addition, the hurt partner is extremely vulnerable. Until now, your life has had structure. You knew who you were and what to expect. Now you suddenly find yourself with questions. Many questions.
Many Questions People Ask Themselves Revolve Around Their Identity
“What’s wrong with me? Who am I?” Some are existential questions such as “What is the point and purpose of my life?” You find yourself wondering, “Was it all just a fraud, a lie?” “What’s real and what’s not real?” Your life has been torn asunder and turned upside down!
Whether you are the involved partner, the hurt partner, or the affair partner, therapy can help you navigate through this most difficult time.
Going Through Stages of Infidelity Counseling in Queens, New York
“Some of us will have two or three relationships or marriages in our lifetimes, and some of us will do it with the same person”
-Esther Perel, lecturer, and couples therapist
Affairs and Infidelity hurt, no question! However, they can also be the catalyst for new beginnings and stronger relationships.
As a couple enters therapy for affairs and infidelity, they will go through three stages.
- The first stage focuses on the crisis and involves attending to the hurt partner. There can be no forgiveness, and no moving forward with the healing process until the involved partner can take responsibility and accountability for what he or she has done. This is non-negotiable if the relationship hopes to heal. The involved partner must express regret and remorse and acknowledge the hurt that has been caused.
- The second stage deals with the affair’s meaning and motives and supports the hurt partner as he or she begins to ask investigative questions of the involved partner. The involved partner must take an active role in this stage by being available and proactive in being concerned for the well-being of the hurt partner.
- And finally, the third stage of treatment involves looking forward and answering the question of what the relationship will look like henceforward. Questions such as “Should the relationship continue? And if so, how? What should it look like? Do we resort to the “same-old” or start developing new parameters for the relationship? How has the affair affected us? Has it helped us in any way?
Infidelity Can be A Powerful Force For Good in Your Relationship
A relationship after infidelity goes through a number of ups and downs and a number of phases, and different couples cope with the affair differently. Some couples get stuck and yet, choose to stay together. The hurt partner often finds it too hard to let go of the anger and cannot rediscover love and trust in the involved partner. These couples live hard and lonely lives, surviving day to day in misery. Others manage to reframe the event as something akin to temporary insanity, a crisis that came and went, and they don’t talk much about it again.
The couple that survives the affair and goes on to become an even better, stronger, and more loving couple learn how to care for and talk to one another about the experience. The affair becomes transformative and generative and is the catalyst for a deeper and more fulfilling relationship going forward.
Infidelity can either crush a couple and destroy it, or it can be a powerful force in reinventing and redefining who the couple will become.
Begin Recovery with Infidelity Counseling in Queens
Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC will support you and guide you through the “recovery from infidelity” process. Recovery from an affair can be very difficult, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I have helped countless couples through the experience of healing from an affair and can also help you.
To begin your healing journey, follow these simple steps:
- Contact Loren Ecker, LCSWR at Queens Relationship Counseling LCSW, PLLC
- Make an appointment and meet with me in the conveniently located Queens office or schedule a meeting over Zoom.
- Start your “recovery from infidelity” journey so that you can eventually turn the page on this painful experience and enjoy a new and more hopeful outlook on life and on your relationship.
OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES AT QUEENS RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING LCSW, PLLC
At Queens Relationship Counseling, I offer a range of services to help couples and individuals overcome various challenges and improve their relationships. While my expertise includes recovery from affairs and infidelity, I also provide Couples and Marriage Counseling as well as Treatment for Overcoming Pornography and Masturbation.